Reflection after rage: What’s it like to live with PMDD

I went on birth control when I was 16. For years, it just felt like what you were “meant” to do. It wasn’t until I came off it in 2018 that I really started to notice what my body was trying to tell me. My skin broke out, I felt bloated and exhausted, and while my periods became regular, something else didn’t feel right.

Every month, like clockwork, about a week before my period was due, I’d experience waves of anxiety, deep emotional lows, and sometimes even episodes of rage. I felt completely out of my own body, like I was a different person. I would be social, confident and happy half the month, then depression would creep in and lead me to isolate myself for the other half of the month. 

Then, during last year’s Women’s Health Week, everything changed. I read articles and listened to podcast episodes that mentioned something I had never heard of: PMDD—Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. For the first time, I felt seen. It was my ‘Holy f@&k’ moment.

I later watched Married at First Sight UK and saw Kristina talking openly about her own struggles with PMDD. That moment led me down a rabbit hole of YouTube videos, Instagram accounts, and research. I found a free symptom tracker and began tracking my symptoms. After five months, the patterns became clear and everything started to make sense. 

The more I learned, the more validated I felt. I can genuinely look back and identify PMDD episodes throughout my life. I’m pretty sure I quit a job once while in the middle of one! I would take everything so personally, have crippling self-doubt and anxiety and feel like there was no hope of it getting better. 

Now, I work with my cycle instead of fighting against it. I know when I’m likely to feel most productive, and when I need to rest or focus on nourishing myself. I’ve created routines that are flexible depending on where I’m at in my cycle.

I have a personal trainer who tweaks my sessions based on my energy levels, and I’ve embraced a more protein-rich diet and slower lifestyle when I need it. Daily walks with my dog, Murphy, help to get me out in nature. I’m also incredibly lucky to have a supportive (and patient!) husband who understands my cycle and knows when I need space or a little extra love. 

I won’t lie, PMDD can still feel like a storm. I almost didn’t write this article because my self-doubt and anxiety reared its ugly head. But now I know it’s not me, it’s something I’m living with. For now, I’m managing it through lifestyle changes, cycle tracking (I use Lively), and most importantly, kindness toward myself. Medication is something I would consider in the future and I plan to see an endocrinologist to learn more ways to support myself. 

If you’re reading this and any of it resonates - please know you’re not alone. There’s nothing “wrong” with you. Like me, you might just need the right information, a little community, and the permission to be gentler with yourself. 

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